Experimento #137

I just called it a day after studying 12 hours straight. I have an economics exam on Monday and it seems like it’s going to be pretty difficult, but I need to blow off some steam, so here it goes.

I don’t know where, how, when or why but somewhere I read that the only thing you learn as time goes by is how much you don’t know. You learn to deal with the fact that there are so many things out there that you’ll never learn, read or even understand. And I don’t know why, but I’m at a point where I’m actually starting to get it. I roam around the internet (and every corner of it so much) so long that by the minute there’s something new, something interesting, that I just know I’ll never even be close to getting into my mind.

This is nothing new. This is no breakthrough or huge discovery. We all get to know that at some point. For me, and for most, that’s when you start college and you and all your friends go on different paths. You gradually understand, even if it’s through very small steps, that there are so many areas, subjects and details in life you’ll never have time to learn or understand. That’s what happened to me two months straight into college, and probably happened to most of the people I know too. The “problem” or “point” of this text, however, is not when or how this realization happened. My point and problem is that I just can’t deal with the fact that I’ll forever be ignorant in “life” relative to all my possibilities. No matter how many languages I end up speaking, no matter how many degrees I gather, no matter how many countries I end up visiting, no matter what, there is always going to be something that’s going that’ll make me say “damn, I wish I knew that” or “fuck, it would be amazing if I could do that”.

Coming back to that phrase I heard - it wasn’t only about how there are so many things to learn in the universe-, it marked me for what it said next. It said something about experience. It said that experience (I’m paraphrasing) means not only understanding that there are thousands of things you’ll never learn, but dealing with the fact that you’ll never be able to do so. And that’s what pops up in my mind constantly. There is something that reminds me that I’m “ignorant” all the time, and I just instantly remember that phrase. The problem is that it doesn’t calm me down or comfort me; it just makes me want to learn more and get to know new things.

I guess that means I’m not experienced. I guess that means that I still have to grow up and deal with the fact that I only know a tiny fraction of everything that’s out there. But maybe it means that I want to learn more. Maybe it means that I’m not comfortable with what I know and that I want to go further. Maybe it means that I never want to deal with it. Maybe being “inexperienced” is not the worst thing in the world.

The best of Ralph Wiggum

(Source: seanmorrisons, via theonlyjharman)

My life is in a weird place right now. So weird that I’m writing a post that I know no one is gonna read. I don’t know where I’m going with this, but telling this to anybody doesn’t feel right, but neither does bottling everything up.
I’m in a transition where all old things seem to fade away, drowning in a dear place in my memory. Sure, once in a while it shows up and tries to make an appearance, but during the last two years everything has been so dynamic. Nothing seems to be in its place. I used to be able to say who my closest person (friend or family) was. No everything is blurred line. The people I interact with the most, my roommates, seem to have more of a supporting role than a leading one. My closest friends really crack me up, and spending time with them never seems wasted. However there’s always that feeling that I cannot let my guard down completely. The people I used to be closest too is still there. They are all still part of my life, but the problem is to what amount? Until when? I’m sure that if I didn’t try as hard as I do to still keep them in my orbit, they would surely forget. Sure, a small message here and then, but that would be it.
Recent developments have made me turn my way of looking at things 180 degrees. I used to be laid back and not really care about what the future would bring. Now my mind can’t stop thinking about what I have to do next or what’s gonna be a problem in the near future. And this is where I crack. I can’t stop making up scenarios of possible problems in the future. “What if…”, “I have to do this”, “Fuck, I forgot about this”, “How am I gonna pay for that”, “What am I supposed to do now”. Some might think that all these problems have something to do with the fact that I’m an “adult” now. But even so, I still don’t get why I have to have them constantly on my mind.
Now, I don’t know if all this has something to do with the fact that I haven’t used my mother tongue in an actual conversation for more than 45 minute since so long I have to even count the months. And even then, all of those can be counted with my hands.
As I said, I have no idea where I’m going with this. I don’t know if there’ll be another one of these posts. For now, this is going to be my mind’s sewer…

(via haave-you-met-ted)

bestrooftalkever:

fuckyeahdementia:

please explain this to me

did you try turning it off then on again?

(via pleatedjeans)

studbss:

(Source: studbss)