I just called it a day after studying 12 hours straight. I have an economics exam on Monday and it seems like it’s going to be pretty difficult, but I need to blow off some steam, so here it goes.
I don’t know where, how, when or why but somewhere I read that the only thing you learn as time goes by is how much you don’t know. You learn to deal with the fact that there are so many things out there that you’ll never learn, read or even understand. And I don’t know why, but I’m at a point where I’m actually starting to get it. I roam around the internet (and every corner of it so much) so long that by the minute there’s something new, something interesting, that I just know I’ll never even be close to getting into my mind.
This is nothing new. This is no breakthrough or huge discovery. We all get to know that at some point. For me, and for most, that’s when you start college and you and all your friends go on different paths. You gradually understand, even if it’s through very small steps, that there are so many areas, subjects and details in life you’ll never have time to learn or understand. That’s what happened to me two months straight into college, and probably happened to most of the people I know too. The “problem” or “point” of this text, however, is not when or how this realization happened. My point and problem is that I just can’t deal with the fact that I’ll forever be ignorant in “life” relative to all my possibilities. No matter how many languages I end up speaking, no matter how many degrees I gather, no matter how many countries I end up visiting, no matter what, there is always going to be something that’s going that’ll make me say “damn, I wish I knew that” or “fuck, it would be amazing if I could do that”.
Coming back to that phrase I heard - it wasn’t only about how there are so many things to learn in the universe-, it marked me for what it said next. It said something about experience. It said that experience (I’m paraphrasing) means not only understanding that there are thousands of things you’ll never learn, but dealing with the fact that you’ll never be able to do so. And that’s what pops up in my mind constantly. There is something that reminds me that I’m “ignorant” all the time, and I just instantly remember that phrase. The problem is that it doesn’t calm me down or comfort me; it just makes me want to learn more and get to know new things.
I guess that means I’m not experienced. I guess that means that I still have to grow up and deal with the fact that I only know a tiny fraction of everything that’s out there. But maybe it means that I want to learn more. Maybe it means that I’m not comfortable with what I know and that I want to go further. Maybe it means that I never want to deal with it. Maybe being “inexperienced” is not the worst thing in the world.